we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
