2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
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