I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
