i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
