I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
