the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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