Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
