dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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