I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
