Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
