??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
