As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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