So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
