What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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