Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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