yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
