For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
