You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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