she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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