haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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