I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need to calm my uterus...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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