I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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