Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
