; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
