the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
