My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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