I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My nipple is on Facebook.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I had to cum in my sink.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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