i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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