I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
