did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she peed on how many people?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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