you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
