i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
