I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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