I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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