I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
false alarm, still single
Randomize
