finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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