I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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