Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
