I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
