my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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