I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i wish my penis had a tongue
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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