She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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