I can text with my tongue
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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