You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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