i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
