you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
