He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize