my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
