3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
