Taylor Swift is so right about you.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
