shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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