I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
