Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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