she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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