That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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