I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
