Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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